I Lament

I lament for the little girl:

Who lost her innocence at the age of nine
Who couldn’t say no
Who felt dirty and bad
Who was terrified of going to hell if she told.
Who lost her sense of safety in her own home and hid under the steps in a closet when he came over.
Whose self-confidence was lost.
Who disappeared inside of books where it was safe
Who had frequent nightmares about being found in the rectory.
Who cut her very long hair so that no one would notice her or touch her hair anymore especially him.
Who hated seeing him say mass because she would have to see the same hands that hurt her hold the chalice
Who repressed her memories of her abuse where they couldn’t hurt her anymore but they did anyway

I lament for the adolescent:

Who was afraid of boys not because of what they might try with her but of her fear of being unable to say no.
Who knew she wasn’t normal but didn’t understand why.
Who wanted a boyfriend but was too afraid to have one.
Who stayed home from dances and cried because she was too afraid to dance with boys because that meant they would touch her.
Who became two people the one that smiled and was everybody’s best friend and the one inside who felt alone, isolated and afraid.

I lament for the young college student:

Who was so afraid to leave home.
Who was afraid to be around boys in a social setting.
Who went home the first weekend there was a party in her dorm because she was afraid someone might ask her dance. It never occurred to her that she had the right to say no.
Who cried because she so desperately wanted to be normal.
Who never thought anyone would want to be her friend.
Who had a hard time trusting.

I lament for the man who married this women:

Who had many challenges in their marriage.
Whose wife was afraid to trust
Whose wife was unable to believe that she was worthy of love and devotion.
Whose wife was triggered by events but didn’t understand why.
Whose wife went through periods of depression for unknown reasons.

I lament for the victim:

Who remembered her abuse at the age of 48.
Whose flashbacks are terrifying.
Who has spent many nights curled up in her bathroom crying and afraid.
Who sometimes prays that she won’t wake up in the morning.
Whose family has been affected by her deep sadness.
Who feels abandoned by God when she needs Him the most
Who feels guilty for those that were abused after her because she didn’t tell.
Who went to the church for help in hope of getting what she needs to heal, but was re-victimized over and over again.
Who hasn’t been able to go to church since remembering her abuse.
Who desperately needs to find God but is too afraid to reach out and find out he isn’t there.
Who just wants to be whole.

Although I lament all these things I also give thanks for:

Dan, my husband, and my four children who have given me unending support.
For my friends in my support groups who are always there when I need them even odd hours of the night.
For my supporters in VOTF who have given me much needed support in my healing journey.

I alive and here today because of all of this support, I have hope that God loves me because I feel
and see his love in those that surround me and for that I am very thankful.

Thank you.